Thursday, January 28, 2010

Saturday Kristin Buroft with the soulful music of Jesse Ilnicki

Relationships and Situations: Connect-Disconnect

So I made this thing for art updates and to tack on images to my resume' for shows, but at the same time it's been sitting dusty for a bit because,sadly, when it comes to my own art, winter tends to be my slow season(although, I'd love to change that if anyone wants to commission me!).

but anyways, It's not like art hasn't been in my life. Its what I breathe. Even if it's curating and running art galleries. it's not my art but I still am spending my days neck deep in art and culture so, you know what? I'll take it. the majority of the beginning of 2010 has been seemingly fantastic. One volunteer gig gave me a paycheck(all be it a minascule one but still), My old boss gave me his entire gallery to run, I am in the process of finally having an art studio without the steep rent, and my unemployment got extended. Although I guess the fact that I am on that at all,is kind of more of a con in itself.

My life is so unbelievably hectic and i'm exhausted, but I think I finally have a chance to do something great. I have met people who trust and care about creating something amazing from well, sort of a sinking ship type situation. honestly, i'm not only happy...I'm honored!

So much is happening in such a short period of time that I'm having trouble keeping up with myself.This is just the beginning, I just hope this star doesn't fizzle. I'm really nervous about letting people down, there is a lot of weight on my shoulders right now. I'd like to reiterate that I don't feel negative about these things. I am happy with myself,my life, my friends that I've chosen to keep closest(who can also deal with my crazy ass!).

where are my negatives,you may ask? There are people in my life that I so strongly want to connect with but trying to is like screaming at a brick wall. I've had the realization that a real connection and understanding is just not going to happen.the thought of it brings me as close to tears as I can possibly get(sadly,I'm pretty sure my tear ducts dried up like 5 years ago).

It's true that you can't choose your family, obviously. But maybe at a certain age you could be given an option to switch some things around? I feel that this would prevent a lot of yelling and bad situations. Maybe even prevent some abuse situtions?perhaps? speaking of, I want to connect but instead I am being bullied. Honestly, I feel so hurt and strung up by all this lack of understanding that I think it borders on abuse. How do you feel about someone repeatedly calling you a jerk, a liar, a bitch, an alcoholic,and an all around bad person. an the cause is not just. It's like going to light your cigarette and having the convenience store you bought it from, blow up behind you after your first puff,maybe not even after. Sometimes you don't even make it to the puff! I'm the spark, she's the explosion. all are unjust and unecessary but you end up spending years trying to clean up the carnage anyways. the question is, no matter how close this person may be to you, when do you walk away from the fire? when do you decide that being the bigger person and collecting the ashes just isn't worth it anymore? and should I feel guilty for wanting to cut what is supposed to be a deep tie? honestly, i'm so sick of the mistreatment that I don't. I used to but my skin is now several layers of sandpaper. If i'm a selfish jerk,it's because you made me this way. The only thing my family ever truly taught me is that it's me against them. I hate that, I want a family that understands and with minimal screaming. I envy the closeness that some of my friends have.But I have accepted that I will never have that, the rest of my family got the denial gene, I didn't. with each fight I get more open and less scared of honesty, and less scared of disconnected-ness. I don't have self esteem issues,but talking to her is the only time I feel about myself. and it's not in the way you're thinking.

My friends are my family,they care and understand more than anyone related to me ever will.They are the ones that truly know all sides of me and for that I love you. and I know that friends run their course and if that happens then I will be sad, but it is a feeling that I can pinpoint and recognize. not a sense of angry and frustrated confusion without a real direction.in other words, its teasing, not bullying. sometimes we fight but I don't feel abused.

the saddest part is that I am hearing these awful insults so much that they may be affecting social self esteem. I'm realizing that I am a little lonely. let's face it, right now boys suck and the ones that don't are gay or taken or both(i know its cliche' but it's true!). my friends are starting to shack up and they are parting ways with me a little, it's the "I have a someone" natural progression. I get it. But what about that one that you fucked up because you were scared? what about the zack and kelly situation where you never like eachother at the same time until the very end of your show run(if you actually watched the college years then you know)? But what if everything is lining up except the social and you don't want to wait until the end of the last season? what does a bipolar,borderline alcoholic girl, with a disjointed angry family,and a budding new art career do about this fortunately unfortunate soul? let it eventually pass and continue the cycle? do a cute but crazy grand gesture? or just drink a lot of my own version of sodium penathal and drunkenly confess everything before I fall to the tile floor and pray to the porcelain god?

questions:

Do I : love you,hate you,keep you,you to my friend,take you from my friend,disown family members,move,do a cliche and overemotional art series,write more long blog posts that no one will read,paint my gallery a bright white, go with the photogrpher over the sculpter,analyze my relationships,drink more,drink less,get a new day job,or maybe I should try and teach my self to cry so I don't hold 30 tons of weight on my shoulders everyday?

suggestions?

much love- xoxo- Ms.Bombshell